New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
