I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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