I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
