Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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