Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
