I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
