I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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