I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize