I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it's like heaven, but drunker
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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