she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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