remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize