you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
