How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
