so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
