I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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