Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
