you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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