We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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