of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
not ubering you a puppy
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
