I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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