we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
