I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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