I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
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