It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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