I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
