You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My vagina is officially offended.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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