I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
