I must be too annoying 4 u.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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