This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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