I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
