Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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