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I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
