Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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