it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
