I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
