Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
