i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize