Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
