Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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