Your tits are I can't wait for
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
