I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
