??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
