dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
