My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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