it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
