it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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