Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
