May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize