My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
