ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
