Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
