Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
