I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
