Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize