I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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