She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
