Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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