I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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